Love You More
by Kimberly-A
Summary: Phil has always known that he loves Dan more than Dan loves him.


**Author's Note:** This fic was inspired by a very emotional scene in "Doctor Who" between Amy and Rory.

* * *

 **Love You More**

Phil pressed close to Dan's sweat-slick skin, running a hand down along his waist and hip, stroking him gently as they both calmed, Dan's breath still coming fast but slowing under Phil's gentle touch. Dan rolled to turn toward him and their lips met, softer now than they had been, still eager but no longer desperate. Dan smiled against Phil's lips but did not speak, simply nestling closer into Phil's arms until a shiver wracked him and he leaned down to pull up the sheet and duvet to cover them both.

Phil's hand rose to stroke through Dan's hair, which was damp and curling with sweat, and Dan hummed contentedly, his eyes closing and his breath evening out as he drifted toward sleep. Phil continued to comb his fingers through the curls, his eyes still open, looking past Dan's shoulder into the darkness.

He wished this was all he wanted, but it wasn't enough.

* * *

Phil liked it when they went to parties at the homes of their non-YouTube friends, because there was always a certain air of networking that went with socializing with their usual crowd. He didn't know many people at this party, but that was okay. It was nice to just get out of the flat, have a couple drinks, talk to some friends, relax, and forget about maintaining an online persona.

But then it happened, as it always did. He and Dan were standing near the wall, loosened up by a bit of alcohol, and some young woman Phil didn't recognize began making eye contact with Dan, a small smile tilting her pretty mouth. Soon she was making her way toward them and introducing herself. Phil may as well have been invisible, as she clearly had little interest in anything but Dan. Dan smiled, dimples showing in both cheeks, and she practically swooned. She was beautiful, really … a good match for Dan's striking good looks. Phil couldn't watch any more and quietly excused himself with the excuse that he was going to get another drink. Instead, he simply wove his way through the crowd and found a quiet corner where Dan was unlikely to spot him watching.

Dan didn't seem to be flirting back, but he wasn't discouraging the girl, either. Standing together, they looked like a couple of models straight out of a magazine shoot. She put a hand on his arm and leaned forward to whisper something, making Dan incline his head so that her lips could get close to his ear.

Phil remembered his own tongue caressing that ear less than 24 hours ago.

Whatever the young woman had said was apparently a witticism of some sort, because Dan laughed before straightening up again. His eyes didn't search the room for Phil, his gaze instead just resting on the drink in his hand. He looked a little uncomfortable, but Phil knew Dan hated parties and small talk with strangers, even attractive ones. But they always sought him out, men and women both.

Phil had always known that Dan was more physically and sexually attractive than himself, and he'd always accepted that fact. He tried not to feel hurt by it, but he also tried to be realistic. Dan could do better. He could do a **lot** better. Phil's eyes were too big, and his nose was shaped like a beak, and his Adam's apple stuck out, and his skin was too pale, and he was gangly and gawky inside his own skin. Dan was … gorgeous. Everyone could see it, and they couldn't help but respond, couldn't help but stare. It was rare to see someone so good looking in real life. People were dazzled.

Phil had never dazzled anyone in his life. Sure, some people thought he was attractive—Dan didn't seem to mind his oddness too much, and he'd had his share of conquests when he was younger—but he'd never been conventional leading man material like Dan. He'd never turned heads on the street. And Dan **did**. Every day.

Dan spotted him from across the room and smiled with obvious relief. He walked toward Phil with an eagerness that would have been flattering if Phil hadn't known it stemmed primarily from Dan's social anxiety and the fact that he felt most at ease with Phil.

Phil was pretty sure that was the only reason Dan was still with him after so many years. Because Dan might be happier with someone beautiful like the woman who'd just approached him, but it would require getting past the awkward getting-to-know you stage, and Dan wasn't good at that. He knew Phil, he was comfortable with Phil, being with Phil was easy, and so he stayed with Phil.

Phil was starting to think maybe that wasn't enough for him.

Maybe he deserved better than to just be somebody's easiest option.

But he loved Dan too much to do anything about it. How could he possibly turn away from the opportunity to be with someone as incredible as Dan?

But how could he stay in a relationship, always knowing he was more in love than the other person was?

Dan smiled brightly at him when he reached Phil's side, saying, "There you are!" He bumped his shoulder against Phil's and visibly relaxed beside him, but didn't make any more obvious gesture of affection. Dan never did.

Because Dan didn't want anyone to know.

Dan didn't even want Phil to tell their friends or family that they were together, let alone hold his hand at a party.

Phil glanced at Dan's profile and felt a pain in his chest. Didn't he deserve to be with someone who was proud to be with him? Someone who wasn't ashamed or embarrassed for people to know that he loved plain old Phil Lester?

Phil brushed the back of his hand against Dan's, and Dan flinched away with his usual hyperaware caution, not wanting to seem too close. Phil swallowed convulsively and looked away.

Maybe he just couldn't do this anymore.

* * *

That night he lay beside Dan in their bedroom and stared at the blur of ceiling above his head. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, too many thoughts circling around in his head.

"Are you … okay?" Dan asked hesitantly beside him. "Was that not … good?"

Phil rolled onto his side to face Dan and propped himself up on his elbow, cheek resting on his hand. He looked at Dan's beloved face, those expressive brown eyes openly displaying his uncertainty, but Phil didn't say anything for a long moment, trying to find words for how he was feeling, words that wouldn't wound either of them. He didn't have much luck.

"It was … fine," he said finally, lamely. Their lovemaking had been technically perfect, both had been physically sated, but Phil's heart had ached throughout. He knew his eyes had probably been sad as he'd gazed at Dan's beautiful face gasping with pleasure. He didn't know how Dan could have avoided seeing it.

"You seem … different lately," Dan continued, sounding small and frightened. Phil thought he sounded like a little boy afraid to have his security blanket taken away. Phil didn't want to be just a security blanket, but he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to wrap his arms around Dan in a comforting embrace, pulling him close and pressing a gentle, reassuring kiss to those lovely pink lips he loved so much. The ache in his heart intensified with Dan in his arms and his breath hitched. He felt tears sting his eyes and blinked them away.

Dan's hands were gently stroking the skin of Phil's back, rising up occasionally to twine fingers into his hair and scratch short nails against his scalp in a way he knew turned Phil to jelly. "I love you," Dan whispered. "If something's wrong … you can talk to me." But they'd never had that sort of relationship. Dan ranted when something bothered him, but Phil went quiet. He didn't know how to say, "I wish you loved me as much as I love you. I wish this relationship mattered to you as much as it does to me. I wish you weren't ashamed to be with me. I wish I didn't feel so alone, even with you pressed up against me like this." Instead, the words ate at his lonely heart and he hurt in silence.

He kissed Dan softly, slowly, trying to tell him everything without words, but Dan only sighed against his lips and deepened the kiss, both hands in Phil's hair now. When they pulled apart with reluctance, Dan whispered again, "I love you. So much. I hope you know how much."

And, sadly, Phil was pretty sure he did. And it wasn't as much as he wanted.

* * *

"I think we should start seeing other people." The words popped out of his mouth at an inopportune moment, but he'd been angsting about them for weeks and just couldn't hold it all in any longer.

They were sitting side by side on the sofa in their pyjamas, eating cereal and watching "Steven Universe" when it happened.

Dan's head slowly swiveled to look at him, his eyes wide, his spoon dropping to clatter against the porcelain of the bowl. "What?" he asked dazedly, barely audible over the sound of the cartoon they hadn't even bothered to pause.

Phil picked up the remote and paused the show, allowing an ominous silence to fall on the lounge. He cleared his throat nervously, then forged onward. "I think we should start seeing other people," he repeated, the words stiff and rehearsed.

"But…" Dan looked both hurt and confused. "But … why? And … how? And … why?"

Phil felt like he'd been turned to stone. "I just think it would be best."

Predictably, a bit of anger was edging onto Dan's face now. "So out of nowhere, after more than six years, you think we should just chuck all this and throw ourselves into the dating pool? Just start asking people out to dinner, getting pictures of our dates posted on Tumblr, dodging invasive questions on Twitter? Who's going to want to deal with all that shit, Phil? Who the hell are we supposed to date?"

Phil felt like he'd had the wind knocked out of him. He'd known it, but to hear it stated so baldly hurt more than he'd expected. After a pause to work up his courage, he replied stiffly, "Just because it's easier to date each other than it would be to find someone new isn't a good enough reason to stay together."

Dan recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "Jesus! Is that what you've been doing? Staying with me just because it's **easier**?"

Phil raised his hands in an attempt to placate him. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that … you wouldn't have any problem finding someone more … appropriate. And I don't care about Tumblr or any of that. I just want…" Could he say it? Did he have the courage? He took a deep breath and let it out, then met Dan's eyes with determination. "I want more than this. I **deserve** more than this."

Dan was staring at him in obvious horror. "You deserve more than this? Than **me**? Well, **obviously**! So go out and fucking **get** it then, Phil! Find your fucking dream person and live happily ever after with them and buy a fucking house and a dog and raise 2.5 kids. You'd make a great dad. So just **do** it!" His face was red with rage, his breathing out of control, his hands clenched in fists as he stood up and let his cereal bowl fall carelessly to the floor, spilling milk and cereal on the carpet without giving it a single glance. He hadn't looked away from Phil's eyes for a moment, and he continued to stare at him as he stood there and said woodenly, "So should I move out or are you?"

Phil's eyes went wide. "Can't we just … You're still my best friend, Dan! I don't want to lose that! Can't we find a way to stay living together without…"

Dan's eyes clenched shut, his mouth a tight line. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with tears, though he still looked angry. "I can't do that, Phil. I can't still live with you when you're … God, how could you think I'd be okay with that, knowing how I feel about you?" And then his face crumpled and he was crying.

Phil felt like the worst kind of heel. He was terrible at talking about emotions and he'd clearly handled this all wrong. He stood, placing his cereal bowl carefully on the table, and went to Dan, trying to take him in his arms, but Dan pushed him away so hard that Phil stumbled against the arm of the sofa and nearly fell.

"I always knew I loved you more than you loved me," Dan breathed through his sobs, "but I never thought you would actually be cruel." Then he turned and left the room, his bedroom door slamming a moment later. Phil's room was **their** room, but the other bedroom was purely Dan's sanctuary, and now he'd shut Phil out in no uncertain terms.

Phil stood frozen in the lounge, his arms still slightly spread from trying to hug Dan, and looked around him in confusion. What had just happened? What was Dan talking about? It was as if his world had been turned upside down. He collapsed onto the sofa in a state of shock, staring into space.

Suddenly, he heard Dan's door open again and Dan stomped back into the lounge. He looked furious, but tears streamed down his cheeks as he paced the room in agitation. "Okay, I get it," he ground out. "I'm not as mature as you. You don't have stupid cringe attacks and existential crises. You're so fucking mature and stable, and somehow you just take life as it comes and always move on and don't doubt yourself and I'm just an insecure kid compared to you. I get that. What I don't understand is how you could love me at all, even just a little bit, and still never care when other people hit on me. You never get angry or jealous, you just watch with that perfectly calm look on your face or walk away and leave me alone with them … like you're fucking giving us **privacy** or something! I don't see how you could ever have had any strong feelings and still act like that, so were you lying all those times you said you loved me? Because you **did** say it, and I always knew you didn't mean it the same way I did, but I believed that you loved me a little bit at least. Did you ever mean it at all? Or was I always just some fanboy you let hang around because you pitied me or something?" His rant seemed to have run out of steam and he just stood glaring at Phil, trembling slightly with the intensity of his emotion. He was always so passionate, expressed his feelings so openly. Phil didn't know how he could be that open. But the things he'd said were reverberating in Phil's brain and he knew he needed to express himself well this time.

"Dan," Phil began, but then didn't know what to say next. He'd never been good with talking about his feelings. The least he could do was clear up some of Dan's misconceptions, though. "I never thought of you as a fanboy, not since we first started Skyping. You were my friend, and then it turned into more than that, and yeah, I fell in love with you. I **do** love you, even now. You know I do."

Dan shook his head glumly. "You can't really love someone you don't respect, and I know compared to you I'm just some fuck-up who can't get his shit together. I'm a mess, and I know it. And of course I know you deserve better, just like you said. I always knew you'd realize it eventually and decide to end this … thing between us. That's why I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to see the pity in people's eyes after you broken things off. At least I won't have to deal with that, since no one knows we were even together. I mean, as much as we **were** together when you didn't even care if I went off and fucked someone else at some random party."

Phil held up a hand and insisted, "I **did** care. I just … I didn't know what to do when other people came up to you. I mean … you're so gorgeous … of course people want to be with you … people much better looking than me … I know I'm weird looking, and you've always been nice about it … but I know you could do a lot better. I've always known that. And I just couldn't stand to watch, so I'd walk away. But then I couldn't help watching anyway, because … because I **was** jealous, Dan. I was so jealous knowing those people would be better for you than I am. I know people don't want me like they want you … nobody ever flirts with me at those things, it's only you…"

Dan interrupted him, laughing harshly, "That's because I was always giving them the death glare, you idiot! Nobody dared approach you when I looked like I'd murder them if they got too close!"

That stumped Phil. "You … you kept people from hitting on me?"

Dan rolled his eyes. "I wasn't going to give anybody the chance to take you away. I knew things were precarious enough without letting some guy or girl chat you up."

Phil said quietly, "Things were never precarious."

Dan flailed his arms wildly and shouted, "Obviously they were precarious when you fucking decided to **leave** me! When you said flat-out that you want more than this, that I'm not enough for you! I guess that's why you've been so weird lately. You've been working up to this, right? Still having sex with me, still listening to poor pathetic Dan telling you he loves you while you were planning to dump me like so much trash. Did you feel sorry for me when we were fucking last night? Was that one last pity fuck to give me something to remember? Because thanks so much, Phil. Thanks for making me feel like a charity case. Thanks for making me question every time we were together. Every time I poured my fucking heart out to you. Every time you touched me and I thought just maybe it really felt like love." Tears were streaming down his face again, and he didn't look furious anymore, just terribly hurt, and Phil couldn't stand it.

"It was never a pity fuck," Phil stated firmly. "I just thought … I always thought I … that you … shit! Why can't I talk?"

Dan shrugged, looking defeated now. "You never talked much. I never really knew for sure what was going on in your head. I guess now I finally do."

"You don't," Phil insisted. "I'm not expressing myself well at all. Dan, I always thought that … I was **sure** … I always thought I loved **you** more than you loved **me**." He'd gotten the words out at last and could only wait to see how Dan would react.

But Dan only looked confused. "What?"

"You could have anyone, Dan! You're so beautiful and passionate … why would you want to be with **me**? I just figured it was because it was easier. You know, meeting someone else, dating, hiding things from the fans, figuring out a new relationship … it would take a lot of effort. I just figured … I'm already here … and we got together before you were maybe really old enough to understand how many options you have … and it was just easier for you to stay with me." He wasn't meeting Dan's eyes anymore, looking down at his hands in his lap.

Dan didn't say anything, and when Phil glanced up he saw him just staring at Phil with his mouth agape.

Phil felt like there was one more thing he really needed to say, something that really required explanation, even though it was a topic that hurt to talk about. He swallowed before saying, "And I always figured the reason you didn't want to tell anyone was because you were embarrassed to be with me, that you were … ashamed of me." He felt tears spring to his own eyes and blinked rapidly to try to dispel them.

Dan ran to him and knelt by the sofa to take Phil's hands in his. He gazed steadily into Phil's eyes and said firmly, "I was never ashamed of you. I'm so proud that you chose me, Phil. So proud to be with you. But I was scared that I'd end up looking like a fool."

Phil held his gaze, their eyes locked. Dan's voice was slow and careful when he murmured tentatively, "Maybe we've both been fools?"

"You aren't embarrassed to be with me? And you aren't just staying with me because I'm here and it's easier?" Phil asked, hesitant as he voiced the fears that had plagued him for years.

"You don't think I'm a fuck-up kid who isn't good enough for you? And you really did care when those other people flirted with me?" Dan looked earnest and hopeful, his brown eyes wide and shining.

Phil nodded, and Dan nodded, too, and smiles began to spread over both their faces. "I'm sorry I'm not good at talking about how I feel," Phil offered. "I'll try to be better. And … maybe you can teach me the death glare so I can keep all those other people away from you at parties." They both laughed weakly.

"I feel like I've been through a war," Dan admitted, sounding exhausted.

"We kind of have," Phil admitted, trying to put an apology in his voice. "Can we go to bed? I know we just got up, but I want to be close to you. Even just to cuddle, if more would be too much right now."

Dan looked at him and said softly, "I'd really like to make love right now. I'd like to show you how I feel, how much I love you, and I'd like you to talk to me while you touch me, while you're inside me, tell me how you feel about me. Could we do that? Would you … would you do that for me?"

Phil knew they both needed the reassurance after all they'd been through this morning and he nodded, saying, "I love you more than I can possibly explain. But I'll try. I promise from now on I'll try."

He took Dan's hand in his and stood up from the sofa, lifting Dan from his kneeling position to stand beside him. They wrapped their arms around each other in a tight hug, murmuring words of love and commitment, reassurance and devotion. They were both crying now, but they were tears of relief and happiness. Phil took Dan's face in both his hands and kissed him gently. Dan chased his lips when Phil started to pull away, and the kiss lingered, deepened. When their mouths finally parted, Dan said softly, "I don't ever want you to doubt how much I love you … never again. If you want to tell people, we can do that. Anyone you want. Even our subscribers. Whatever you want. I'm proud to love Phil Lester and I don't care who knows it! And I'm even prouder that Phil Lester loves **me**!"

Phil's smile was brilliant as the sun before he grabbed Dan into a passionate kiss. "Let's tell them," he enthused when he pulled away. "I want everyone to know you're mine."

"First I want you to prove it to **me** ," Dan said with a waggle of his eyebrows and a gentle tug toward the hallway to their bedroom.

Phil squeezed Dan's hand and then raised it to press a soft kiss to his palm. "I'm going to leave you in absolutely no doubt about how much I love you," he promised, his voice gone a bit husky.

Dan shivered at the touch and the words. "Take me, you sexy animal. I'm all yours," he joked, but there was still a bit of insecurity behind the words, and Phil resolved to drive all doubt from Dan's mind. He would show Dan with words and actions how much he was cherished, and he resolved that from now on he would try to ask when he felt insecure instead of making assumptions, and that he would never go a day without letting Dan know how he really felt.

They walked hand in hand toward the hallway, and Phil felt more optimistic than he had in years. Dan's face was radiant, and it lifted the weight that had been crushing Phil's heart for so long. He knew they were going to be okay. Better than okay. They were going to be fantastic. They were going to be amazing.


End file.
